Non-Review Reviewsical: Cats

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Darren

Were they blind when they made this? Do they think it looks good?
Is it fit for awards? Would it sweep at the Globes?
Can you say of the effects that they look worse than they should?
Are they justifiably excited when the internet goads?

Because Tom Hooper can and Tom Hooper did
Some actors did and some actors would
A major studio would and a major studio can
But reviewers can’t and reviewers don’t.

How about those special effects? Are they truly a feat?
Are they tense when they sense there’s no awards buzz?
Do you mind all the signs with the puns in the street?
Did they know from the go that they’d just filmed a dud?

Because Tom Hooper can and Tom Hooper does
Tom Hooper does and Tom Hooper can
Tom Hooper can and Tom Hooper does
Tom Hooper does and Tom Hooper can
Tom Hooper can and Tom Hooper does

Familiar songs for counterprogramming
All those known songs to bring them all in
There’s even a song that Ray Winstone sings
Tom Hooper’s Cats promises all of these things.

What is Tom Hoopers’ Cats?

The discussion of Cats is a difficult matter
Even if it looks like one of your computer games.
Describing it I must sound as mad as a hatter
When I tell you that Cats is completely inane.

First of all, there’s the cast that Hooper’s brought on board and
Leveraged such talent and brilliance and fame.
Such as Hudson or Dench, Elba or even James Corden
None of them you’ll ever look at the same.

There are more musical names of those who can sing out a metre;
Some from theatre, and some from hip-hop.
Such as Jason Derulo, Les Twins, and to make it even sweeter
Taylor Swift to just add some credible pop.

Tom Hoopers’ Cats is out this week.
Tom Hoopers’ Cats come one, come all.
But is Tom Hoopers’ Cats just what you seek?
Does Tom Hoopers’ Cats answer media’s call?
Tom Hoopers Cats is not for the meek:
Where on the scale will this film fall?

Tom Hoopers’ Cats is surprisingly horny.
Why do they have breasts when they don’t need them at all?
If they had teats of course that’d be perfectly ordinary,
But it’s those lingering close-ups of cats lapping their bowl
And thrusting and flexing, and writhing around,
And only wearing clothes so they can then take them off,
While jumping and prancing and humping the ground.
CGI Idris Elba’s a six pack that rivals the Hoff.
While other composited actors keep cocking their legs,
Full of wonders to impress one who thinks they’ve seen it all,
And Tom Hoopers’ Cats just continuously begs…

Are the furries having a ball?
Are the furries having a ball?

You ought to ask your ardent reviewer,
The original Cool Critical Cat.
Is the film worth seeing on the big screen?
Or is it the greatest farce there’s ever been?

And I’ll just say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A film so “ah, whatever” as Tom Hooper channeling Andrew Lloyd Webber!

It is silly and goofy and totally whack,
But it’s also truly pedestrian.
The source material’s completely cracked,
But the adaptation is consistently frustrating.

The original musical is lacking a plot.
It’s a set of thematically-linked songs.
The film thinks what audience want
Is a framing device that feels totally wrong.

So the film turns to Macavity,
And makes him the villain of the piece,
Delivering some bargain basement depravity.
And it does not know when to cease.

There’s some nonsense on a barge, sitting out on the Thames!
It’s increasingly detailed and increasingly lame.

And I’ll just say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A film so “surely this must get better?” as Tom Hooper channeling Andrew Lloyd Webber!

The humour is awkward amid this insanity,
With Rebel Wilson and James Cordon acting the clown.
But it’s the suffocating type of self-aware irony
With a laboured side of nunchucks and “fatty falls down.”

And despite the weirdness of the set-up and the leering camera,
It’s all so painful middle-brow.
Lloyd Webber’s Cats was a West End highlight of that era,
But the film is at best so-so.

Of his singular directorial powers
Tom Hoopers’ framing’s a mess.
On his aesthetic the critical eye sours,
It’s all wasted potential as I must confess.

And not long ago this director accomplished a feat,
Of winning the Best Director Oscar for his work on The King’s Speech!

And I’ll just say:
Oh! Well I never! Was there ever
A film so “how’d this get made unfettered?” as Tom Hooper channeling Andrew Lloyd Webber!

You’ve heard of several takes on Cats
And my opinion now is that
The lesson you should embrace communally
Is that they reside in the uncanny valley.

We’ve done enough to make our point
– there’s no need to get out of joint –
That the film’s just exceedingly dull.
Oh how I wish that this was bull,
But I’m afraid that facts are facts,
When it comes to talking about Cats.

So first, your memory I’ll jog.
And say: Cats is most definitely a slog.

Now, I was hoping that it’d be fun,
But I found when all was done
That the film was a frightening bore.
Of its weirdness, I wanted more.

It’s a disappointing seasonal release,
But then will wonders never cease?
Talking blockbusters I fear,
That it’s been a most disappointing year.
I’d harboured hopes for something strange
Or maybe just a little bit deranged.

But I’ll bellow loud through the fog
That Cats is most definitely a dog.

So this is this, and that is that
And there’s how we’ve addressed Cats.

The film’s a spectacular misfire,
They should have aimed a little higher.
So this is this, and that is that
And there’s how we’ve addressed Cats.