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Why They Have to Make a Twilight: Breaking Dawn Movie…

… and why it must be 100% faithful to the book.

I’m not a Twilight fan. I don’t have the same loathing for it that some do – I try to be a tolerant guy. My aunt and my little sister love the movies and the books, but even if there were unpleasant overtones in the film (give me one thing that isn’t wrong with the Bella-Edward relationship), it’s still the sparkling that rubs me the wrong way. I know I should be more concerned about the pedophilic implications or the abusive nature of the relationship, but I’m not. Vampires don’t sparkle. Anyway, I’m a live and let live sort of guy. My own tastes must appear quite esoterical to anyone viewing from the outside, so I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Still, I stumbled upon a discussion of the last Twilight novel, Twilight: Breaking Dawn, over at Cinematic Happenings Under Development and Rope of Silicon, which I thought actually make it seem like this movie might seem like some classic abstract David Cronenberg masterpiece.

We had an image to go with this, but it was just too intense...

Let’s begin with some choice summary from Devin at CHUD. Note that his article contains bad language and spoilers.

Basically, our two erstwhile lovers finally tie the knot. But there are complications in the… consumation department. Put simply, our feisty vampire severely bruises her (and puts her lights out) during the attempt:

Despite being knocked out cold by his sexual style (and having the headboard destroyed), Bella goes back to Edward for seconds. This time he knocks her up.

Yep, vampire babies! And it’s just as disgusting as you could imagine it being:

The baby kicks so hard it breaks Bella’s ribs and then severs her spine.

And you ain’t read nothing yet. It gets better:

In a moment that demands to be shown on the silver screen, Edward gives Bella an emergency C-section with his ****ing teeth.

In case you thought Edward was being unfair, he did consider other options:

He tries to convince her to get an abortion … and goes so far as asking Native American wolfboy Jacob to impregnate his wife so that she can have the baby she desperately wants.

Yes, because carrying a vampire baby was so easy that you’d just love to carry a mini-werewolf. Anyway, he ends up biting her so they can spend the rest of their lives in vampiric bliss.

I know what you’re thinking, what about the other wheel on the love tricycle. Well, lets just say that Jacob follows in Edward’s footsteps and goes for a much younger model:

Jacob the werewolf, who has been madly in love with Bella, sees the new baby girl and immediately imprints on her. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that he falls in love with the baby.

I want to pull this out on its own: Jacob falls in love with a baby.

…  His love has been transferred from Bella to the baby (who has the tongue shattering name Renesmee), and because of the science behind imprinting he’ll love her forever.

Yep. There you have it, as Devin sums up:

I will not rest until I have seen a movie in which a werewolf falls in love with a baby. Hell, once I’ve seen a werewolf fall in love with a baby I may quit movie watching – I will have seen the ultimate culmination of a century of cinema.

As if that weren’t bad enough, TVTropes adequately sums up Bella’s reaction to this awkward relationship:

Bella is disturbed to find out that Jacob has imprinted on her daughter, but managed to keep her self control about it. Until she finds out he nicknamed her “Nessie.” At which point she attacks.

Oh yes.

I might actually want to see this. It may be the craziest thing ever.

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